Suicide pills, pain and flashbacks

(Analgesic emotional ramblings ahead. Tune in next time for a .DOCX file shrinking utility.)

Almost every good spy story seems to feature a suicide pill of some sort. Usually, the user is quickly disposed of, foaming at the mouth and glaring at his or her captors with just enough breath left to utter some message of defiance – and, when they’re on the side of evil, let slip some vital clue enabling the hero to save the day.

The strongest of the four painkillers I’m on now happens to list “suicide” among the known side-effects.

Happily, there has been no foaming at the mouth or uttering of final words of defiance yet, but it does have some rather unpleasant psychological effects which probably do explain why apparently 0.2% of the users might choose to end it all: the devious little bundle of molecules has spent the last month treating me to a re-run of all my relationship mistakes of the last 20 years. Quite fascinating in a way, though it will have to try harder than that to finish me off:, I haven’t tried that since I was at school, and don’t plan to start again now!

Getting dumped on Facebook was perhaps the most peculiar of them – thanks to clicking ‘like’ on the post. (I had two friends of the same name at the time: the other was in an abusive relationship which ended a bit later, and I thought it was her status which had changed to single.)

Further back, getting asked out by the best looking girl in school then hearing two days later that she said she was still single, so I’d just been the butt of a cruel joke – that hurt more than I’d expected, since that had crossed my mind even before answering. The next week, a few hours after I told a friend there was nothing going on, I heard that this had really upset her – something I dismissed as impossible at the time, but for some reason it has bothered me ever since.

I’m finally getting an MRI scan this Wednesday, which should identify the details of my nerve damage and how to rectify it, so with a bit of luck the pain will soon be fixed and I’ll be coming off all the synthetic opioids and other scary chemicals.

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